State moves to ban more marriages
Albany, NY – On the heels of the defeat of a state law that would have allowed homosexual couples to marry, the New York State Assembly has introduced new legislation to ban marriages between people who hold the same screwed-up beliefs. Dubbed the “New York State Marriage Protection Act”, the bill would prohibit any two people who are homophobic, racist, or right wing nutjobs from seeking a marriage licence. The initiative was immediately hailed by the state’s Democratic party.
“If the Senate believes that we have the authority, as a government, to dictate who can get married, we should embrace that power to protect the great state of New York against couples who, by combination of their sheer stupidity, raise children in an environment of hatred and misunderstanding about people who lead different lifestyles,” said Democrat Di Salvino.
Many of her colleagues in the state legislature echoed the sentiment. “These people infect every aspect of American life,” said Assemblyman Al Eightup. “They get involved in school boards and influence how we educate our children. They disrupt our electoral process with their tea bagging. They buy books by that twit Sarah Palin. They need to be stopped and the best way would be to treat them like the Gremlins: keep them from multiplying.”
Predictably, the proposed law was condemned by Republicans, many who felt they were being singled out by the language of the legislation. “My husband and I are proud to hate those faggots,” cried senate Republican Dixie Dunn. “If this law had been in effect 10 years ago, we would have had to go to Ohio to get married. Have you seen Ohio?”
Other members of the Republican party voiced their opinion and indicated that the fight against the proposed act would mirror the national party strategy against healthcare reform.
“Good Christians in New York need to know that the Satan worshiping Democratic-controlled government of this state is trying to place some bureaucrat between you and the man or woman that God wants you to marry,” announced state Republican senator Richard Smalls. “And we all know bureaucrats hate God. Well, all of them except me.”
It remains to be seen if Democrats in the state assembly have the votes to pass the legislation, but the debate has already spread to the general public.
“I think it’s a great idea,” says Aaron Pinero, a resident of Brooklyn, NY. “I don’t want those racist couples living in my neighborhood, and I certainly don’t want their children going to school with mine.”
Others disagree.
“It’s just government meddling in the affairs of others, just like when Obama fired all those workers and caused the recession,” complains Al Jones of Buffalo. “Why can’t they just let good people be?”
The proposed law is also gaining national attention. Sarah Palin, posting to her Facebook page, announced her intention to “embed” herself in New York politics for the next few months so she can be “on the ground” to lead “a crusade against this mismarriage of justice”. Her post caused such an inflamed response from New York’s Facebook user base that the company was forced to finally enable the long awaited “Dislike” option for public posts.